Out in the open...

Now, normally this would be an insight I would leave in a private journal, but in order to share our families strengths and weakness' - I have decided to share my thoughts here.

We were chatting with friends this weekend, and the subject of spanking came up (briefly), and I admitted to spanking Aislinn two or three times when she was younger. Admitted being the word here, as no parent is ever proud of having to use discipline with their children, let alone a "spanking". Speaking it reminded me about how and when I had chosen those means of discipline with my firstborn.

It was right around age 3 and Aislinn seemed to be pushing me and pushing me to find my final breaking point. After much frustration at having my attempts to diffuse the situation through words fall through, I decided to introduce the concept of a spanking to her and chose to follow through with it. I had always said that Aislinn was far to sensitive of a kid to spank and thought it would be equivalent to ending her world, but in reality when I did make the choice to spank her, she seemed fine with the interaction. In fact she settled down, and moved on almost cheerfully, like she had found my limit, and in that, hers as well. In those few months of being newly 3 (our most challenging year with her -so far), I think I used a spanking on her two more times -always with the same result - unwinding my frustration and hers within seconds.

I have never been drawn into this situation with Tara (being of a much different personality) but I wonder now if this is because of how much I have learned and grown as a parent since then.

Parenting for me has been an eye-opening experience. I like to believe I entered into the decision prepared and excited for the joys and challenges ahead, but in truth it is nothing like I had ever expected.

The highs and lows of each moment are so profound. The elation of a proud moment, and the overwhelming guilt and worry in a low moment. The wells of patience and of putting others before yourself that I had never had to draw upon until these two amazing beings came into my life. Would I change it? -never! Would I change some of the things I have done? - definitely! Am I learning something new about human nature? -every moment!

I hope in choosing to spank Aislinn, even it wasn't the best choice, she will know that at the time I was trying my best. In learning who she is and in who I am, she has taught me so many other ways to communicate and I hope she is learning them as well, so if and when her time comes to make these decisions, she will have a plethora of choices before her.

The greatest gift a parent can give a child is unconditional love. As a child wanders and strays, finding his bearings, he needs a sense of absolute love from a parent. There's nothing wrong with tough love, as long as the love is unconditional.
-George Herbert Walker Bush

When you are a mother you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.
-Sophia Loren

Aislinn - April 2006